I think it's fairly common for us to use "guilt" and "shame" synonymously, and I often have to catch myself to avoid using them incorrectly. As a therapist, I often have to reframe my client's understanding of the two.
Guilt
Guilt is behavior-based. It's the emotion that arises when we're convicted for an action that is wrong (i.e. I did something bad). The gift of guilt is that it provides an awareness of when we've made mistakes and affords us an opportunity to reconcile.
Shame
Shame, conversely, is an internalized emotion that we develop when we've done something wrong.
Instead of "I did something bad" (guilt), shame essentially interprets this as "I am bad" (shame).
Brene Brown's famously popular TED Talk on shame describes the two main voices of shame, which are:
You're not good enough.
Who do you think you are?
Sometimes, though, I encounter clients who wrestle with a third voice of shame, which is:
3. You haven't paid enough.
This voice of shame is typical when one continues to punish themself for something that they've done, and they don't believe that they have punished themself enough to feel free from the past.
Shame is not a Negative Emotion
I think that it's important to understand that shame is not an inherently bad emotion. Chip Dodd's book Voice of the Heart (affiliate link here) was instrumental in developing my understanding between healthy shame and toxic shame.
Toxic Shame
Toxic shame often presents itself as a negative critique of one's self, by asking "What's wrong with me?"
What's wrong with me that I:
Make so many mistakes
Don't have all the answers
Am so needy
Toxic shame condemns us.
Healthy Shame
Healthy shame points us toward humility. It is the act of acknowledging our own shortcomings and reaching out for help. I often assist clients in understanding healthy shame by framing it as healthy shame is what usually brings clients into my office.
For example, I am not gifted at working on vehicles (sorry!). Beyond changing my oil, I am pretty useless when it comes to repairing my vehicles. My healthy shame acknowledges that I don't have the skills/answers needed for this, so I either take it to my mechanic or find a friend that is competent in this area.
Healthy shame convicts
Discerning Healthy Shame from Toxic Shame
One technique that I use to assist clients in determining which version of shame they are experiencing is by listening to the tone of voice.
The voice of healthy shame is convicting, whereas the voice of toxic shame is condemning.
From a faith perspective, it may look like asking yourself: "Would God say that to me?"
To challenge the negative voice of shame (toxic shame), try doing the following:
Identify the tone of voice
Challenge the statements directly
Replace them with what is true
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